Writing is a healing thing for me. I came here to write something just for me. I wanted to make some notes about how it feels one week after June left us. But then I found this partially formed post saved in my Draft folder. I'm thankful for it. The last 8 days have moved very quickly, but simultaneously, I feel as if I'm moving in slow motion. I never want to forget any part of how this feels. I want to hurt because it means she made an impact on me. I miss her more than I ever thought I would. My best friend.
To my precious girl, June, who made me a mommy,
You made me refocus my faith in Jesus. Loving you allowed me to understand a little bit more of how God loves His children. I have had to trust Him more than I ever thought possible.
You made me forget about comparison in my business. Before you, I was so concerned with rising to the top and getting people to notice me. Thanks to you, I worry less about that and more about being my best self for my brides.
You have reminded me to look at my life NOW and not what could have been or what will be. Daily blessings. In-the-moment reminders of joy and grace and love. The first third of my life is over and it happened in the blink of an eye. You made me stop, smell the roses, breathe, enjoy the breeze.
Because of you, my entire life slowed down. Being a person who has been in constant motion for as long as I can remember, you forced me to relax and say no to things. I don't feel the pressure to sign up for everything now. I don't feel like I have to be all things to all people.
You brought your dad and I closer than ever before. Mommy and Daddy had to learn how to be best friends in a different way. We have had to lean on each other on some of the darkest days of our lives. We are stronger - and more ONE - than we ever were before.
We miss you, our little best friend. God certainly knew what he was doing when he sent you to us. We are better because we got to love you.
It's been 8 days since I held my beautiful girl. I can barely remember the weight of her in my hands. In some ways, it feels like June's life was just a dream. We don't have any school pictures or messy fingerpaintings. Her life was so short. This is the worst part for me right now. We have been writing down everything we can possibly remember. Like how she always smiled when she woke up in the morning. Or her silly bedhead. Or the way she seemed to laugh after every sneeze, even if there were 8 in a row.
We will absolutely never forget her, but I know some of the memories will fade over time, just like anything else. If you have a memory of June, or a small way she touched your heart, would you write that in a comment here? I would love to add that to the document we are creating.
Eight days. Eight. It feels like eighty. Cal and I are going away for a while. We are taking some time to recharge, pray, see some things June would have really loved. Our lives were very much consumed with caring for this little person and we need to figure out what to do with ourselves. Thank you for your continued prayers as we heal.