When I started this series around week 11, I never imagined having to write this post. My response to my pregnancy has been "I can't believe this is happening," over and over again. I was so excited to welcome this sweet baby into our home. We painted the nursery, purchased some tiny clothes, started thinking about names, and making all the other plans one makes when carrying a child.
I hate when people say "when you make plans, God laughs at them"...or whatever that saying is. Cal and I made plans when we decided to start our family. We made plans when we found our we were pregnant. And now, we have been told things are not going "according to plan." I do not think God is laughing. You see, our sweet baby girl has not grown as expected. There are problems, many of which we don't know at this point in time, and those problems may keep her from living a normal life. They may keep her from living at all.
I don't tell you this because I want pity. In fact, I do want your prayers. Prayers to God. Prayers to our Father. Do I pray for healing? Yes. But do I also pray for the strength of what's to come if God doesn't heal her? Absolutely. I am choosing to share this with you because I believe my daughter's life is just as valid as it was when I did one of these posts 2 weeks ago. She is even bigger than she was at week 21. She moves more than she did at week 21. I skipped week 22 because I physically could not type any words. And after last Wednesday passed, I felt bad about it. Just because she has problems we can't explain at this moment doesn't mean she is any less my daughter than she was before we found out.
I have done a lot of sitting still in the past 2 weeks. Initially, I was paralyzed with fear and sorrow. But now, I sit because I can feel her move. I am still because it's a time she can listen to me sing and talk. Her rolling and tumbling make me laugh because she seems just as unable to sit still as her mother. And I'll admit, she even makes me a little uncomfortable at times. But those moments where I can't sit like I'd prefer, I'm choosing to savor those because she is alive and safe where she is.
I am grateful for the sweet messages we have received. I am mostly appreciative of the privacy people have given us. This isn't something I'm ready to chat about in the hallways at church, or at work, or in the parking lot at Walmart. Cal and I are taking this one step at a time.
All this being said, I am hopeful that we will get to hold our daughter. I am hopeful she will be able to come home with us. Most of all, I am hopeful in the power of Jesus Christ that overcomes all heartache, sorrow, pain, and suffering. I will not pretend to have it all together - this is an impossible situation that I do not know how to navigate. However, I will choose to keep living for her and honor God with her life, no matter what it looks like.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.