I'm going to cut right to the chase here. Please don't misinterpret my words for anger or hate. I have felt so much love from many people, some who don't even know me and just want to say they are praying for us. I am grateful for that. The Lord has placed an amazing support team in our lives. In these situations, in addition to the good, you also get the not so good. In the past several weeks, I have encountered people who want to hug me or talk to me or whatever and their motivation seems to be completely emotional. I'm not okay if you walk up to me in tears. I'm not okay if you hug me and tell me to let it all out. It is unacceptable to try to be my mom, I have one of those. Moving forward, if I feel for one second a person is trying to evoke an emotional response from me, we are done. Conversation/hug/text/interaction over. Sorry, not sorry, but I cannot spend time caring about your feelings. My emotional energy is completely and totally focused on my husband and my daughter. That's it.
Perhaps this surprises some of you. I've always been a people-pleaser. Always. I get it from my mother. I don't want people to have a bad day. I hate to disappoint others. But that's over now. It's time for me to be the protective mother and wife.
I want you to imagine what it's like to go through this. We've all lost a family member, right? Well, my life feels like I'm at the viewing of a loved one, standing beside his/her casket, and an endless sea of people are constantly saying "I'm sorry for your loss" over and over and over again. (I am not using this analogy to imply my daughter will not live. Do not misunderstand this example.) Could you live in that kind of torment for FIVE MONTHS? Perhaps next time you see me (or someone in a similar situation), you will use some discretion. Will what you say potentially upset them? Could what you say be self-serving or does it actually help this person? Why are you approaching this person? Think before speaking.
At this point, I've already been emotionally imposed upon, but I'm not just writing this for me. I'm writing it for the woman you know who had a miscarriage. I'm writing for family you know who just found out their baby won't make it past birth. I'm writing for someone...it could be you one day. No one thinks these things will happen to them. I certainly didn't. I'm positive I've stuck my foot in my mouth more times than I know or said well-meaning words that actually struck a nerve with a hurting person. Think before speaking.
"So what can I say to you, Sterling?" Well, for starters, you could just say "hello" like you would to any other person in the hallway at work or church or school. You can leave out the sappy talk. You can talk to me about the weather or weddings (I LOVE THOSE!) or politics. We can laugh about how ridiculous this upcoming election is going to be. You can tell me what's going on in your life, I'll listen. Basically, treat me like a person, not a person going through a tough time. If I want to talk to you about things, I will.
Things baby girl got to do this week:
-VBS! Cal and I have hosted the Vacation Bible School morning rally for the past 5 years. We normally put on a silly charade, this year is no different. We are having a blast. I love the kids and many of them have asked if I'm pregnant. Haha....I'm like a little doughy submariner. My response is normally, "Nah, I just had a big breakfast."
-She celebrated her dad's birthday. Cal turned 31, which makes him about 6 years older than me...ahem. Related, she also gave him a Father's Day present. Well, she and the kitties.
-The nursery is 95% finished. We were lucky to receive several adorable decorations at my last shower. They are all up on the walls and sometimes, I just go sit in there and stare at how cute everything is.
With just 8 weeks left (AH! HELP!), I'm starting to feel anxious, scared, excited, curious...basically every emotion. I am so excited to meet her. I can't wait to share her name, pictures of her cute nursery, and our upcoming maternity session. I'm excited to be a mother and HOW FORTUNATE I will be to have my child need me a little bit more than a child normally needs her mother. Several people have asked if we need anything or if we have a registry. We are still preparing for our daughter like we would any other child. In case you're curious, our registries are here: Target, Babies R Us.
Again, I hope everyone reads my words through a filter of love and patience. The best thing you can do for us is pray.